


Lionel Fusco is Never Going Back to Oregon

by MageKing17



Category: Gravity Falls, Person of Interest (TV)
Genre: (mostly), (somewhat), Crack, Feels, Garbage-Tier Magical Item, Gen, Lionel Fusco does not have time for this bullshit, Lionel Fusco saves the day, Poorly translated ancient spell leads to mishaps, Surprising Things You Can Find In The Woods Near Gravity Falls, Time Travel Fix-It, Two Characters Who Don't Like Each Other Grudgingly Share A Tiny Car To Cross 3 Time Zones, Unburying The Gay With Time-Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-16
Updated: 2019-08-16
Packaged: 2020-09-02 12:04:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20275621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MageKing17/pseuds/MageKing17
Summary: Fusco has had it up to here with these stupid kids and their Extra-Magic 8-Ball they literally just picked up off the ground and now won't stop consulting about everything.





	Lionel Fusco is Never Going Back to Oregon

**Author's Note:**

  * For [wafflelate](https://archiveofourown.org/users/wafflelate/gifts).

> You want Fusco in Gravity Falls? You get Fusco in Gravity Falls (or, at least, the surrounding woods).

When Lionel Fusco was asked to consult on a case on the opposite end of the country, he imagined it would involve less time spent lost in the woods. He particularly imagined it would involve much less time babysitting precocious brats who insist on running off to grab an inordinate number of strange doohickies that seem to be fucking everywhere in these goddamned woods.

He 100% imagined it would not involve being tricked into participating in a poorly-translated ritual found in the back of an old book. _That_ certainly did not appear anywhere in his expectations for this trip.

"When you asked me to hold that candle," he said, doing his very best glower, "I thought you just needed it to read something and were deathly afraid of flashlights."

"Silly Fusco!" replied Mabel Pines, Precocious Brat #1, giggling. "Who would be scared of flashlights?"

"Nothing you brats do could possibly surprise me at this point," Fusco grumbled.

"Extra-Magic 8-Ball," Dipper Pines, Precocious Brat #2, intoned while shaking what Fusco was convinced was just a regular Magic 8-Ball with nonstandard responses, "what did the ritual do?"

The Extra-Magic 8-Ball burbled up the message 'TIRE OUTPUT INSUFFICIENT'. Fusco couldn't even begin to imagine why someone would want a Magic 8-Ball that could respond with such a useless phrase (but could easily imagine why somebody would dump it in the woods).

"I think that means we needed a car for the ritual to work properly," Mabel declared sagely.

"_I_ think it means that's the most useless Magic 8-Ball I've ever seen," Fusco countered, "and I have no idea why you insisted on taking it with us."

"Extra-Magic 8-Ball," Dipper once again intoned (he _claims_ it's a requirement for the Extra-Magic 8-Ball to function properly, but Fusco thinks Dipper's just doing it because it's annoying), "should we go find a car?"

'LEMMING SEASON', the Extra-Magic 8-Ball replied. Fusco once more got the urge to smash the stupid thing with a hammer.

* * *

"Is this supposed to be the same town we entered the woods from?" Fusco asked, squinting at the nearby collection of buildings.

"I... _think_ so?" Dipper said with a shrug.

Mabel, rather than contributing her opinion, walked up to the nearest person and said, "Hello! Are we near Seneca or Gravity Falls?"

The man she accosted laughed at the question. "You're on the wrong side of the state, little missy! Try Mapleton."

"Mapleton!?" Dipper exclaimed. "We must have teleported, like, 250 miles!"

Fusco blinked. "Teleported? This, to you, is a reasonable explanation, Shortstack?"

"Well," Dipper said, "it certainly wouldn't be the wierdest thing that ever happened to us; I was kinda hoping for a more useful ritual than 'shortcut to Mapleton', though."

Fusco was distracted from replying to this by the date on the newspaper someone was reading. "Excuse me," he said to the woman holding the aforementioned paper, "is that today's paper?"

The woman blinked in surprise at being addressed, then focused on the newspaper in her hands. "Oh, no," she began, causing Fusco to relax, only to tense up again when she continued, "it's yesterday's. Sorry."

"N-no," Fusco started, then cleared his throat. "No problem. Sorry to bother you." Then he promptly picked up Dipper in one hand, then ran over and grabbed Mable in the other before booking it.

"What are you doing?" Dipper asked, somewhat resigned to being carried around like a disobedient dog.

"You didn't see the date on that paper, Shortstack?" Fusco grunted. "It said _August 5th, 2015_."

"We... we _time-travelled?_" Mabel exchanged blinding grins with her brother.

"So, wait," Dipper said, the grin turning to a frown as he tried to think through the ramifications. "What does this mean?"

"It means we need a car," Fusco announced.

Mabel crossed her arms and huffed. "That's what _I_ said!"

* * *

It was an awkward drive.

Dipper kept asking questions, like, "Why do we need to be in New York?"

Fusco kept replying, "None of your business."

Mabel, in the back seat, would say something like, "Extra-Magic 8-Ball, does my true love await in New York?"

'OUT OF TONER ERROR', the Extra-Magic 8-Ball would say.

* * *

"Why not just fly to New York?" Dipper asked once, as they were changing timezones for the third time.

"Because," Fusco said, clenching the steering wheel so hard it was a wonder it was still circular, "I don't want to get killed by an evil AI the moment I show my face in public."

"Now that's the most sensible thing I've ever heard you say," Mabel chimed in.

* * *

The drive back to Oregon was somehow even more awkward.

"Do... _all_ of your cases involve that amount of blood?" Dipper finally asked.

"...No, but it does happen disturbingly often," Fusco grudgingly admitted.

There was more awkward silence.

"...So, did Mr. Blackwell do something _particularly_ offensive to you?" Mabel asked tentatively.

Fusco was silent for a long while, before finally grinding out, "...You could say that."

* * *

"You're _sure_ you can send us back to the future again, right?" Fusco looked dubious.

"Oh, absolutely," Dipper said, drawing out the ritual circle again. "Just need to invert the ritual. No biggy."

"I don't think time-travel works like that," Mabel said, frowning at the book containing the ritual. She then turned to consult her new favourite advisor. "Extra-Magic 8-Ball, is Dipper full of shit?"

The Extra-Magic 8-Ball's response did not fill Fusco with confidence: 'FATAL ERROR: OUT OF REALITY'

* * *

"To be fair," Dipper said, after a week of failed ritual attempts, "I just said I could send us back; I didn't say how long it would take."

* * *

Once Lionel Fusco had finally returned to both the correct year and the correct city, he promptly dialed a number he'd expected never to use again.

"Detective Fusco," came the surprised voice on the other side. "What brings you to call little old me?"

"Oh, no reason," Fusco said, trying not to have an emotional breakdown in the middle of the street. "Just, uh... met a kid on a case in Oregon that reminded me of you."

"Reminded you of _me_?" The voice was amused. "Should I be worried or flattered? Wait, this isn't a terrible _Oregon Trail_ joke, is it?"

"No, no," Fusco said, laughing, "just... nevermind. Talk to you later."

"Is everything okay, Lionel?" She actually sounded concerned, now.

"I'm fine," Fusco said, surreptitiously wiping his eyes. "Perfect, even. Everything's absolutely perfect."

"If you're sure..."

"I am. Take care of yourself, Root."

Fusco smiled as he hung up.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for somehow ending this crackfic with all of the feels.
> 
> It's been a long time since I've seen Gravity Falls (and a moderate time since I've seen Person of Interest), so apologies for any details I got egregiously wrong.
> 
> In a proper crossover, Dipper and Mabel should actually be adults (assuming this takes place any significant amount of time after 2015), but I felt the _spirit_ of the crossover would somehow be ruined if they weren't children, so just assume they were born later in this.
> 
> According to the Gravity Falls wiki, the town is "somewhere west of Vale"; I'm therefore assuming that, if you got particularly lost in the woods, you might come out somewhere near Seneca. I have no idea if this is remotely plausible; apologies if it is not.
> 
> I'm also assuming the trees around Mapleton look nothing like the trees around Seneca, because it would be at least twice as funny.
> 
> PERSON OF INTEREST SPOILERS: According to the PoI wiki, the episode _after_ the one where Root dies takes place at the beginning of November, 2015; I'm assuming, therefore, that Root died some time in August, but that's really just a guess.


End file.
